So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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