oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Dick very happy bro
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
