It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
