I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
