who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
