The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
