the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
