Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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