Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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