Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
