Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
