hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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