dude, she has braces
i meant the dude w the ponytail.
i was less creeped out when i thought you were talking about the 14 y.o.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
this hospital has no fireball
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
