My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Can I color on your dick again?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Randomize
