HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
