Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
