Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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