If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
