just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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