I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize
