Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Why do I feel like I used to feel when I almost got caught looking at porn when I get caught looking at facebook at work
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Your cock deserves a montage
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
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