can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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