Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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