Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
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