we need to drink 2009 down the drain
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
