new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Shame - the story of my life.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
