I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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