My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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