All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
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