sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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