someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
