"it" just moved
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
We made out a little and then he gave me some weed. I would say it was a pretty productive stop on my way home
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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