my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
