I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
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