If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
Randomize
