im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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