Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
