I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Bring me that man meat
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
There are leaves in my underwear?
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