my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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