yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
