I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
