walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Randomize
