I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
