I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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