This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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