need another drink. this is the easiest way
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
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