fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
