Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
