Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
