you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Randomize
