I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
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