would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
he fucked my hip out of place.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
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