Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Blood and glitter go together right?
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
