I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
