ya dads aren't the best wingmen
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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