my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize