it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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