dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
