Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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